If you are looking for a post extolling the virtues of another herbal remedy or some wonderful spiritual insight…keep on moving…however if you are in the mood for a chuckle you might want to read on!
OK Moms…you know what I mean….as a young woman I had fantasies visions of sugar plums raising godly, genteel, kind and loving children…we would dine together graciously (linen table cloths and pretty dishes!) and discuss deep spiritual and philosophical things in low and even tones…no raised voices, disagreements or shouting. Then REALITY hit!
I never thought I would say some of the things I have…I never thought I would *need* to say these things and looking back I can hardly believe these words have emanated from my own mouth. I wonder at times…is it because all of my children are boys?? Is this a southern thing?? Help me out here folks….I encourage you to leave me a comment with some of the things you have said to your little ones 🙂
1. Do NOT drink the toilet water.
2. Do NOT put anymore Matchbox cars down the toilet (said while taking the toilet up from the floor so that we could pull all of the Matchbox cars out of the plumbing line…)
3. Do not put that pea up your nose (oops…too late!)
4. Do NOT eat the pea that was up your nose (again…too late!)
5. Do NOT put the kittens in your pants.
6. Why did you squirt A & D ointment inside your door knob (and every other conceivable nook and cranny in the entire room)?
7. Why did you crack all of the eggs today? (Said to a 3 year old…response: to see if they were all the same inside)
8. Do not put your finger in the dog’s rear end (said to a 2 year old who was fascinated with the body parts of a very large dog).
9. Do not pass gas while sitting on your brother.
10. Do not ride the goats/calves.
11. What do you mean “I changed the recipe a little”? (Said as I frantically reached for a glass of water!)
12. Do not put the cat on top of the chicken tractor to “see what the chickens will do”.
13. Do not hang your little brother on the door knob by his underwear (this done in the hope of achieving the “ultimate wedgie”). Followed quickly by me declaring “You *will* pay for this underwear!”
14. Do not strip off all of your clothes, scream “naked” and run through the house…especially when we have company (said to a young child!….and why must it always be in front of someone I would rather be impressing with my child rearing abilities?)
15. No, you can not keep your worms/toads/turtle in the gas oven during the winter!
16. No, you may not trap the rat in the barn and keep it in your room.
17. Why is there a jar of LIVE bugs in my refrigerator?
18. What are all of these rocks doing in my dryer? (Said at least 100 times since I started having children…what IS it with boys and rocks?)
19. Who put this (fill in the blank with every creepy, nasty critter you can imagine) in my kitchen?
20. Do NOT pee in the dryer (said to a sleep walking child!)
21. What do you mean the BB jumped off the end of your finger and sailed up your nose? (said just before leaving for the hospital to have it removed…thankfully a sneeze dislodged the pellet which probably saved us hundreds of dollars!)
22. What do you mean you made wild onion soup? (said to my 4 year old as I looked into a pot of the nastiest, foulest smelling, dirt filled watery stuff *EVER*).
23. No, you may not shake the bees up to see what would happen (said to a small child while the hive was OPEN!)
24. What do you mean “have I seen the snake?”
25. Do *NOT* pee on the electric fence!
Although I can laugh now…I assure you that some of these had me so mad/frightened/upset that I was either in tears or ready to throttle my boys.
Now….how about you?
The Essential Herbalist 
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