A glimpse of my heart….

2008….I can hardly believe it. Am I the only one that seems to feel that life is rushing past me at lightening speed? As I face this year, I realize that this will be one of the most difficult years of my life…and yet….I want to slow down…to linger…to stop this mad rush of days flying past.

As I have been reflecting on this new year, I have been trying to put words to the longings of my heart…what do I hope for, long for, wish for?

I fervently desire more of Him…my creator, my Beloved, my Father, my Friend…more and more, deeper and deeper I want to know Him, serve Him, love Him and be loved by Him….I want “I am my Beloved’s and He is mine” to be impressed on my heart….no…not impressed…engraved.

In wanting more of Him, I find I want less and less of the ways and traditions of man. There is not room for both. I am learning that I have much to unlearn. That many things I have been taught as Father’s ways are really the ways of men. I am learning to stop and pray and ask….”Father, is this where you want my hands and heart?” And, often, the answer is no.

Don’t misunderstand…please…I love tradition. I am not trying to toss the baby with the proverbial bath water. We have a lot of traditions in my family and I have written about many of them here. But they are our traditions, desires, customs and ways and never have we tried to convince others that they are Father’s traditions, desires, customs and ways. The problem, I guess, is that I haven’t always been diligent to to ask Father about these things, to seek it out in His word, to study and find what He says on the matter.

But I have been encouraged greatly by my dear friend Julie and her husband to seek the matter out. To be diligent in my study and to seek our Father’s face and to ask…”is this You?“.

I long to slow things down, to take more time for the little things. To have time to sit and ponder with my boys, to marvel at the wondrous works of Father’s hands. To revel in the glories of His creation which surround us night and day. To see Him in the small things and to share that with my boys. So much seems to press on me…I am a mother, daughter, sister, aunt, niece, teacher and friend. Many hats……I fear that I often wear them poorly or not at all. So many tugging at my heartstrings….I fear that I fly through my days and often miss Him who gives the true meaning to life….even in the little and seemingly unimportant things. “Father, help me slow down, show me what to hold on to and what to let go of and help me to see Your face in it all.”

I long to have less, to need less, and to simplify our lives more so that we have more time for the important things. The boys and I were talking tonight about this. To have less stuff so as to have more time, my most precious commodity! More time to spend with Father, more time for each other, for family, friends and for others…..isn’t it amazing that by choosing less we receive more?!

I long to savor every moment with my boys that I can. They are growing into men before my eyes. They are in this valley with me and often it is harder on them than me I fear. Yet their first thought is to look after each other, to protect me, to stand for Father…they give unselfishly of themselves to me, to each other….sometimes I look at them, their kindness, their thoughtfulness, their gentleness, their courage and it makes me weep. “Thank you Father for such children!” My heart cries that the years left are too short…how I long to live them wisely, faithfully….my heart whispers….”Father don’t let me waste a moment!“